Joseph (22 November 2008) (click here to listen)
JORDAN MCLAUGHLIN. This is Social Asteroid and I'm here with a young man that I just met outside at New College of Florida at a party. What's your name?
JOSEPH. I go by [name redacted], and I've actually gone by that my entire life from my parents, but I was born Joseph [name redacted].
JORDAN. How old are you?
JOSEPH. I am currently nineteen years old.
JORDAN. And where are you from?
JOSEPH. I am from a lovely podunk town called Bubba Do Bradenton.
JORDAN. Alright then. Do you have any family legends?
JOSEPH. Well, my dad is an author, and also a screenwriter. My great-grandfather was one of the three doctors who worked on the cure for bovine anthrax. And my – another grandfather sat on Harvard Medical Board School Admissions and he was one of the main people working on modern prosthetics. Which made my uncle – who is now dead – start a business and he became a millionaire in prosthetics and then he lost it all due to alcoholism and then died a poor and lonely man.
JORDAN. Oh, wow.
JORDAN. Alright, let's just go with your dad. What has he written?
JOSEPH. He has written a book called Dr. Mary's Monkey, and it is about – mainly – the polio vaccine, and they used SV-40 in it, which does shit to your DNA and causes a lot of cancer. So it is a non-fiction research into New Orleans during the sixties
JORDAN. Cool.
JOSEPH. It was number thirty-one at the highest on Amazon's best-seller list.
JORDAN. Wow.
JORDAN. What are you studying here?
JOSEPH. I am studying biochemistry.
JORDAN. And what do you want to do with that?
JOSEPH. Eventually, become a doctor, do trauma surgery, preferably in Germany, by an airbase – that would be ideal.
JORDAN. So you have it all planned out?
JOSEPH. Yes. Since I was eight years old.
JORDAN. Do you think your family being in the medical field has anything to do with your desire?
JOSEPH. Actually, no. It was completely unrelated and I actually didn't know any of this history before the age of thirteen because, quite frankly, everyone was always busy and there wasn't much family talking. But science has always interested me, because it's the one field that I still think there's room for innovation in, besides technology, but I grew up on a computer and after having that much overexposure to it, I always thought like that stereotypical Saved By The Bell chemistry – like that's really cool, even though I don't know what the hell I'm doing, I want to pour things into other beakers. So it kind of a bit nurtured from there.
JORDAN. Would you consider yourself religious?
JOSEPH. No, but I do have a religion, and my religion is people. And I believe in people, but they continue to disappoint me. However, when I went to Afterburn, I got a lot more faith in my own personal religion ...
JORDAN. What's Afterburn?
JOSEPH. It is a Burning Man event. A smaller, regional one to keep people in the spirit of it. And to see people at their most radically self-expressed forms is very, very intriguing – sort of that people actually have the balls to do that. It's all about art, and creation of what man has made, and then at the end you burn everything, because it gives you room to make more stuff. And I find that incredibly fascinating.
JORDAN. So you would say that your religion is mostly secular, that there's not much room for supernaturalism?
JOSEPH. Yeah. Yeah. I don't believe in the supernatural, I believe everything is – has been created by humans and for humans, and while they disappoint me, this is where we get to this whole global consumerism ignorant mindset. But I believe that we can collectively achieve a higher power.
JORDAN. If you had one superpower, what would it be?
JOSEPH. It would be – I don't know exactly how to put it, but Shadowcat from X-Men can rearrange matter to walk through walls and stuff, and she can also apparently rearrange air particles to fly only as long as she can hold her breath. Don't know how it works out, but I think that would be really cool.
JORDAN. Okay. Is there any specific reason why you think this specific superpower would be so cool? What would you do with it?
JOSEPH. I dunno. Whenever I'm walking to class, I always try and walk along the hypotenuse of a right triangle – fastest way to get there. It's like, if I could walk through solid objects, my time would decrease, so I could sleep in later for class, mess with my room mates.
JORDAN. So have you ever had a really bad boss?
JOSEPH. Yeah. I used to work at Express, which is a clothing store. And one time I came in a little hung over – and, by the way, ha ha I don't believe in the drinking age – but I passed out in the back room after my shift, and when I woke up they decided to pull a really “funny” (quote, unquote) prank, which was just like – it was really hipster. Let's put it that way. And hipster enough that they could have had a lawsuit on their hands. So she was pretty much the most shitty person. And then she badmouthed me for a really long time until I told her to shut the fuck up.
JORDAN. What did they do?
JOSEPH. They made it look like a house party in the back room and they referenced rape and tons of cocaine and just really, really low brow shit. And I wasn't a fan, to say the least. And for someone who's thirty-five years old, and taking pride in the fact that they're a manager of a clothing store, that just adds to my shit list. It's not bad business ethics, she was a wonderful manager, but I don't care how well you run a company, if you're a shitty person then I think you're shitty.
JORDAN. So what did you do about it? Or did you do anything about it?
JOSEPH. They wanted me to come back because I was one of their best employees and I simply told them no, until I guess I was terminated due to hiatus. But I just wanted to prove a point – it was like, no matter how much you apologize, I'm not going to give you another chance.
JORDAN. Alright.
JORDAN. Do you have a hero?
JOSEPH. I do! Her name is Lady Gaga. The reason why is that if people looked at her initially, they would think that she is another manufactured piece of pop trash, but actually if you research her, or if you get to know her – as, if you don't know, I met her and talk with her now – she started – she self-taught piano at four years old, she started writing music when she was fourteen, she started performing live at open mic at The Bitter End in New York. And she has personally played every club, failed, went back, did it again, until she knew what was right, and eventually got signed, and then fired, from a record label, and rehired to write. And then got, finally, a contract to sing. She is one of the few people who has actually taken on the world of the entertainment industry, which is incredibly selective and all about connections, and did it the old fashioned way, and made it work. So she is the first person to actually innovate on a very tired old genre, and I find that completely awesome and I'm very arrogant about the subject. So she is – she's wonderful. She's an artist, she creates, she is always looking for the new thrill, and she only wants to do that to show it to other people. So in a way, she's Jesus.
JORDAN. How did you meet her?
JOSEPH. Through being myself, really. I went to a concert, and I got there very early so I was in the front. I simply sang along and danced along, and then I gave her a bracelet that I made. And she kissed me, and then she had her dancer bring me backstage and I showed her a shirt that I made, and we hit it off from there. And it probably the most surreal moment of my life, because when you have someone that famous grab you and tell you that they love you, it's kind of like, “Whoa. Whoa.” It's just someone who I respect to the utmost extent, to do that for me, it only builds to the pyramid of wonder that I have for them.
JORDAN. What do you think or feel about homosexuality?
JOSEPH. It's pretty interesting, actually, because I actually have – not a personal vendetta against most gay men, but I am severely disappointed in the way gay culture carries itself, and the way they let gay culture be perceived by Middle America. I also don't believe that there's – well, as Kinsey put it, there's a spectrum, and I also think labels are incredibly stupid because – I still don't let people know that I'm gay when I meet them, because I do not feel that you should have that stereotype and bias attached to you, like a beacon, or a huge red flag when you're walking around. So, I don't know – until you can prove to me that someone is not a tiny bit homosexual, then I'm going to believe this, but. I mean, I've had many experiences with straight men, whatever, but. It's complete and utter bullshit to me. You know, it's all semantic.
JORDAN. What, specifically, don't you like about how homosexuality is perceived in Middle America?
JOSEPH. Um. Gay pride parades. I had an argument with someone who said that they have to do this expression to get noticed, and yadda yadda yadda. And I was – they compared it to a civil rights protest. And in civil rights protests – not covered in rhinestones and leather-bound forty year old men with eighteen year olds leashed to them. Sure, it's great to have that kind of expression, but when you're panning for acceptance and being treated as a regular, doing it wearing a Cher outfit is not the way to go about it. So, they need to reinvent themselves.
JORDAN. When was the first time you fell in love?
JOSEPH. Probably with Lady Gaga. I know that sounds really silly, but I've never really felt so enamored with someone even past meeting them, becoming the topic of my thoughts. Not exactly an obsession or worship – just a very newfound respect for someone, and it's an incredibly new feeling. And that's how I feel, so I am in love with Lady Gaga.
JORDAN. If you're a Democrat or a Republican, what do you think about the other party?
JOSEPH. I'm just confused at Republicans, because the main base of Republicans absolutely get fucked over by all their policies. And, you know, for the ones that are in the top five percent, and have money or are veterans, I give them a pat on the back and be like, good job, congratulations on how far you've got, but for the people who are not making ends meet, and if you would clearly reap the benefits of the Democratic Party, I'm just confused and ask myself, “What are you trying to prove? Why are you doing this? They're only going to hurt you, they wouldn't piss on you if you were on fire.” Barack Obama might – can't say, but I know for sure that Cyndi McCain would not. I think they all have severe ego problems and that they didn't get enough love when they were kids or in high school or whatever. Or they're sad that high school's over now and they're no longer the star. So they vote for the Republican Party.
JORDAN. So how do you feel about the outcome of the last presidential election?
JOSEPH. I laughed very hard. I make jokes about it whenever people say in retrospect, “I was sitting there, I just got a call from a McCain supporter,” I just want to call them somehow and say, “Ha ha, Bush is out.” So I'm very happy, although I think it's silly that so many of the amendments making it illegal to legalize gay marriage passed, because – well, it's not really gay marriage, it's civil unions between heterosexual couples, but don't want to get married. So all in all, I think it's for the better, but mainly, I'm just glad to hopefully make more money.
JORDAN. Have you ever had to quit at something you care about?
JOSEPH. I did, but it wound up coming back full circle.
JORDAN. What was it?
JOSEPH. It was music. I had to stop it and just recently I've been getting back into those sort of things.
JORDAN. Was it just because you didn't have enough time?
JOSEPH. Yeah, it was a typical battle between wants versus needs. And I'm not stupid, I'm not ignorant, and I realize that you have to be financially sound to make it in this country. I could want to be an aspiring musician or a starving artist, but I realize I have to do something substantial and concrete and permanent and stable. And I had to simply let go. But now that I have a lot more free time, I can dabble in it and still have my daydreaming, while still focusing on my ultimate goals.
JORDAN. So do you think for your ultimate goals – do you really care about the effect that you would have on the world if you were working in Germany or something like that, as a practitioner of medicine? I mean, do you care about it as much as you do music?
JOSEPH. Oh, yeah. I'm definitely very compassionate towards humans and – that sounded really weird.
(laughter)
JOSEPH. Those carbon-based life forms that inhabit terra firma. (pause) I'd want to do both, and it would be cool if I could, but what it boils down to is that I'd be helping people through knowledge, I'd be helping people through talent – either way I'd still be helping people. But one has much higher chances of being financially sound – as much as I say I don't care about money, I fucking do. Because I grew up dirty rich to dirt poor, and now to middle class. And I know it is not fun, to live your childhood, to only be able to afford lime salt from the snow cone lady. So kids eat chocolate, I eat salt. And I don't want my kids to go through that. So I would say it's number three on my list of priorities is financial security.
JORDAN. So do you think you're going to have kids?
JOSEPH. Yes.
JORDAN. Aside from anatomy, do you think men and women are essentially different?
JOSEPH. Yeah. There are inherent differences. Because I've got to see from the emotional viewpoint of both sides of the spectrum, and a lot of it is very different. And also, chemically, testosterone is different from progesterone and estrogen. You really can't get testosterone prescribed to you the same way you can get conjugated estrogen. So just that alone is fucking up with your chemical feedback and holistic performance and whatever. So I do. And after having very many close female friends and male friends, they definitely operate in different ways.
JORDAN. Could you give an example of one of the different ways?
JOSEPH. Hm. Let me think.
JORDAN. That's fine.
JOSEPH. Okay, shoes.
JORDAN. Shoes.
(a short pause)
JORDAN. Please go on.
(laughter)
JOSEPH. Like I say, take any look at any girl's shoe collection, and each shoe has a specific story or feeling behind it. And while men might have the same thing, it wouldn't be to the same degree and size. I just think women take more into the culture of – not vanity, but the aesthetics reflecting onto the emotional. And, well, men don't really do that. They have inherent emotional characteristics, but it's presented in a very different manner and I do believe that makes them different. Because if not, everyone would be drag queens. So. And they're not.
JORDAN. What do you like about being a man?
JOSEPH. You know, not much. I do enjoy – I guess I like cheekbones. I don't know, I would just be equally as happy if I was a woman. I'm pretty asexual when it gets down to it, I'm not really interested in anyone. But I guess that's just me.
JORDAN. Alright. We'll end our interview there. Thank you very much, [name redacted].
JOSEPH. You're welcome.
