Joseph

Joseph (22 November 2008) (click here to listen)

JORDAN MCLAUGHLIN. This is Social Asteroid and I'm here with a young man that I just met outside at New College of Florida at a party. What's your name?

JOSEPH. I go by [name redacted], and I've actually gone by that my entire life from my parents, but I was born Joseph [name redacted].

JORDAN. How old are you?

JOSEPH. I am currently nineteen years old.

JORDAN. And where are you from?

JOSEPH. I am from a lovely podunk town called Bubba Do Bradenton.

JORDAN. Alright then. Do you have any family legends?

JOSEPH. Well, my dad is an author, and also a screenwriter. My great-grandfather was one of the three doctors who worked on the cure for bovine anthrax. And my – another grandfather sat on Harvard Medical Board School Admissions and he was one of the main people working on modern prosthetics. Which made my uncle – who is now dead – start a business and he became a millionaire in prosthetics and then he lost it all due to alcoholism and then died a poor and lonely man.

JORDAN. Oh, wow.

JORDAN. Alright, let's just go with your dad. What has he written?

JOSEPH. He has written a book called Dr. Mary's Monkey, and it is about – mainly – the polio vaccine, and they used SV-40 in it, which does shit to your DNA and causes a lot of cancer. So it is a non-fiction research into New Orleans during the sixties

JORDAN. Cool.

JOSEPH. It was number thirty-one at the highest on Amazon's best-seller list.

JORDAN. Wow.

JORDAN. What are you studying here?

JOSEPH. I am studying biochemistry.

JORDAN. And what do you want to do with that?

JOSEPH. Eventually, become a doctor, do trauma surgery, preferably in Germany, by an airbase – that would be ideal.

JORDAN. So you have it all planned out?

JOSEPH. Yes. Since I was eight years old.

JORDAN. Do you think your family being in the medical field has anything to do with your desire?

JOSEPH. Actually, no. It was completely unrelated and I actually didn't know any of this history before the age of thirteen because, quite frankly, everyone was always busy and there wasn't much family talking. But science has always interested me, because it's the one field that I still think there's room for innovation in, besides technology, but I grew up on a computer and after having that much overexposure to it, I always thought like that stereotypical Saved By The Bell chemistry – like that's really cool, even though I don't know what the hell I'm doing, I want to pour things into other beakers. So it kind of a bit nurtured from there.

JORDAN. Would you consider yourself religious?

JOSEPH. No, but I do have a religion, and my religion is people. And I believe in people, but they continue to disappoint me. However, when I went to Afterburn, I got a lot more faith in my own personal religion ...

JORDAN. What's Afterburn?

JOSEPH. It is a Burning Man event. A smaller, regional one to keep people in the spirit of it. And to see people at their most radically self-expressed forms is very, very intriguing – sort of that people actually have the balls to do that. It's all about art, and creation of what man has made, and then at the end you burn everything, because it gives you room to make more stuff. And I find that incredibly fascinating.

JORDAN. So you would say that your religion is mostly secular, that there's not much room for supernaturalism?

JOSEPH. Yeah. Yeah. I don't believe in the supernatural, I believe everything is – has been created by humans and for humans, and while they disappoint me, this is where we get to this whole global consumerism ignorant mindset. But I believe that we can collectively achieve a higher power.

JORDAN. If you had one superpower, what would it be?

JOSEPH. It would be – I don't know exactly how to put it, but Shadowcat from X-Men can rearrange matter to walk through walls and stuff, and she can also apparently rearrange air particles to fly only as long as she can hold her breath. Don't know how it works out, but I think that would be really cool.

JORDAN. Okay. Is there any specific reason why you think this specific superpower would be so cool? What would you do with it?

JOSEPH. I dunno. Whenever I'm walking to class, I always try and walk along the hypotenuse of a right triangle – fastest way to get there. It's like, if I could walk through solid objects, my time would decrease, so I could sleep in later for class, mess with my room mates.

JORDAN. So have you ever had a really bad boss?

JOSEPH. Yeah. I used to work at Express, which is a clothing store. And one time I came in a little hung over – and, by the way, ha ha I don't believe in the drinking age – but I passed out in the back room after my shift, and when I woke up they decided to pull a really “funny” (quote, unquote) prank, which was just like – it was really hipster. Let's put it that way. And hipster enough that they could have had a lawsuit on their hands. So she was pretty much the most shitty person. And then she badmouthed me for a really long time until I told her to shut the fuck up.

JORDAN. What did they do?

JOSEPH. They made it look like a house party in the back room and they referenced rape and tons of cocaine and just really, really low brow shit. And I wasn't a fan, to say the least. And for someone who's thirty-five years old, and taking pride in the fact that they're a manager of a clothing store, that just adds to my shit list. It's not bad business ethics, she was a wonderful manager, but I don't care how well you run a company, if you're a shitty person then I think you're shitty.

JORDAN. So what did you do about it? Or did you do anything about it?

JOSEPH. They wanted me to come back because I was one of their best employees and I simply told them no, until I guess I was terminated due to hiatus. But I just wanted to prove a point – it was like, no matter how much you apologize, I'm not going to give you another chance.

JORDAN. Alright.

JORDAN. Do you have a hero?

JOSEPH. I do! Her name is Lady Gaga. The reason why is that if people looked at her initially, they would think that she is another manufactured piece of pop trash, but actually if you research her, or if you get to know her – as, if you don't know, I met her and talk with her now – she started – she self-taught piano at four years old, she started writing music when she was fourteen, she started performing live at open mic at The Bitter End in New York. And she has personally played every club, failed, went back, did it again, until she knew what was right, and eventually got signed, and then fired, from a record label, and rehired to write. And then got, finally, a contract to sing. She is one of the few people who has actually taken on the world of the entertainment industry, which is incredibly selective and all about connections, and did it the old fashioned way, and made it work. So she is the first person to actually innovate on a very tired old genre, and I find that completely awesome and I'm very arrogant about the subject. So she is – she's wonderful. She's an artist, she creates, she is always looking for the new thrill, and she only wants to do that to show it to other people. So in a way, she's Jesus.

JORDAN. How did you meet her?

JOSEPH. Through being myself, really. I went to a concert, and I got there very early so I was in the front. I simply sang along and danced along, and then I gave her a bracelet that I made. And she kissed me, and then she had her dancer bring me backstage and I showed her a shirt that I made, and we hit it off from there. And it probably the most surreal moment of my life, because when you have someone that famous grab you and tell you that they love you, it's kind of like, “Whoa. Whoa.” It's just someone who I respect to the utmost extent, to do that for me, it only builds to the pyramid of wonder that I have for them.

JORDAN. What do you think or feel about homosexuality?

JOSEPH. It's pretty interesting, actually, because I actually have – not a personal vendetta against most gay men, but I am severely disappointed in the way gay culture carries itself, and the way they let gay culture be perceived by Middle America. I also don't believe that there's – well, as Kinsey put it, there's a spectrum, and I also think labels are incredibly stupid because – I still don't let people know that I'm gay when I meet them, because I do not feel that you should have that stereotype and bias attached to you, like a beacon, or a huge red flag when you're walking around. So, I don't know – until you can prove to me that someone is not a tiny bit homosexual, then I'm going to believe this, but. I mean, I've had many experiences with straight men, whatever, but. It's complete and utter bullshit to me. You know, it's all semantic.

JORDAN. What, specifically, don't you like about how homosexuality is perceived in Middle America?

JOSEPH. Um. Gay pride parades. I had an argument with someone who said that they have to do this expression to get noticed, and yadda yadda yadda. And I was – they compared it to a civil rights protest. And in civil rights protests – not covered in rhinestones and leather-bound forty year old men with eighteen year olds leashed to them. Sure, it's great to have that kind of expression, but when you're panning for acceptance and being treated as a regular, doing it wearing a Cher outfit is not the way to go about it. So, they need to reinvent themselves.

JORDAN. When was the first time you fell in love?

JOSEPH. Probably with Lady Gaga. I know that sounds really silly, but I've never really felt so enamored with someone even past meeting them, becoming the topic of my thoughts. Not exactly an obsession or worship – just a very newfound respect for someone, and it's an incredibly new feeling. And that's how I feel, so I am in love with Lady Gaga.

JORDAN. If you're a Democrat or a Republican, what do you think about the other party?

JOSEPH. I'm just confused at Republicans, because the main base of Republicans absolutely get fucked over by all their policies. And, you know, for the ones that are in the top five percent, and have money or are veterans, I give them a pat on the back and be like, good job, congratulations on how far you've got, but for the people who are not making ends meet, and if you would clearly reap the benefits of the Democratic Party, I'm just confused and ask myself, “What are you trying to prove? Why are you doing this? They're only going to hurt you, they wouldn't piss on you if you were on fire.” Barack Obama might – can't say, but I know for sure that Cyndi McCain would not. I think they all have severe ego problems and that they didn't get enough love when they were kids or in high school or whatever. Or they're sad that high school's over now and they're no longer the star. So they vote for the Republican Party.

JORDAN. So how do you feel about the outcome of the last presidential election?

JOSEPH. I laughed very hard. I make jokes about it whenever people say in retrospect, “I was sitting there, I just got a call from a McCain supporter,” I just want to call them somehow and say, “Ha ha, Bush is out.” So I'm very happy, although I think it's silly that so many of the amendments making it illegal to legalize gay marriage passed, because – well, it's not really gay marriage, it's civil unions between heterosexual couples, but don't want to get married. So all in all, I think it's for the better, but mainly, I'm just glad to hopefully make more money.

JORDAN. Have you ever had to quit at something you care about?

JOSEPH. I did, but it wound up coming back full circle.

JORDAN. What was it?

JOSEPH. It was music. I had to stop it and just recently I've been getting back into those sort of things.

JORDAN. Was it just because you didn't have enough time?

JOSEPH. Yeah, it was a typical battle between wants versus needs. And I'm not stupid, I'm not ignorant, and I realize that you have to be financially sound to make it in this country. I could want to be an aspiring musician or a starving artist, but I realize I have to do something substantial and concrete and permanent and stable. And I had to simply let go. But now that I have a lot more free time, I can dabble in it and still have my daydreaming, while still focusing on my ultimate goals.

JORDAN. So do you think for your ultimate goals – do you really care about the effect that you would have on the world if you were working in Germany or something like that, as a practitioner of medicine? I mean, do you care about it as much as you do music?

JOSEPH. Oh, yeah. I'm definitely very compassionate towards humans and – that sounded really weird.

(laughter)

JOSEPH. Those carbon-based life forms that inhabit terra firma. (pause) I'd want to do both, and it would be cool if I could, but what it boils down to is that I'd be helping people through knowledge, I'd be helping people through talent – either way I'd still be helping people. But one has much higher chances of being financially sound – as much as I say I don't care about money, I fucking do. Because I grew up dirty rich to dirt poor, and now to middle class. And I know it is not fun, to live your childhood, to only be able to afford lime salt from the snow cone lady. So kids eat chocolate, I eat salt. And I don't want my kids to go through that. So I would say it's number three on my list of priorities is financial security.

JORDAN. So do you think you're going to have kids?

JOSEPH. Yes.

JORDAN. Aside from anatomy, do you think men and women are essentially different?

JOSEPH. Yeah. There are inherent differences. Because I've got to see from the emotional viewpoint of both sides of the spectrum, and a lot of it is very different. And also, chemically, testosterone is different from progesterone and estrogen. You really can't get testosterone prescribed to you the same way you can get conjugated estrogen. So just that alone is fucking up with your chemical feedback and holistic performance and whatever. So I do. And after having very many close female friends and male friends, they definitely operate in different ways.

JORDAN. Could you give an example of one of the different ways?

JOSEPH. Hm. Let me think.

JORDAN. That's fine.

JOSEPH. Okay, shoes.

JORDAN. Shoes.

(a short pause)

JORDAN. Please go on.

(laughter)

JOSEPH. Like I say, take any look at any girl's shoe collection, and each shoe has a specific story or feeling behind it. And while men might have the same thing, it wouldn't be to the same degree and size. I just think women take more into the culture of – not vanity, but the aesthetics reflecting onto the emotional. And, well, men don't really do that. They have inherent emotional characteristics, but it's presented in a very different manner and I do believe that makes them different. Because if not, everyone would be drag queens. So. And they're not.

JORDAN. What do you like about being a man?

JOSEPH. You know, not much. I do enjoy – I guess I like cheekbones. I don't know, I would just be equally as happy if I was a woman. I'm pretty asexual when it gets down to it, I'm not really interested in anyone. But I guess that's just me.

JORDAN. Alright. We'll end our interview there. Thank you very much, [name redacted].

JOSEPH. You're welcome.

Brandon Rainer

Brandon Rainer (22 November 2008) (click here to listen)



JORDAN MCLAUGHLIN. Hi, this is Social Asteroid, and I'm here with a young gentleman that I just met. What's your name?

BRANDON RAINER. My name's Brandon Rainer.

JORDAN. Okay, how old are you?

BRANDON. I'm twenty-seven years old.

JORDAN. Okay, and where are you from?

BRANDON. I'm orginally from Stoughton, Massachusetts.

JORDAN. Cool.

A young lady walks up and places a full pack of cigarettes on the table in front of us.

BRANDON. I owe you! Thank you.

JORDAN. That was a young lady that just came over with a full pack of cigarettes right there.

BRANDON. Yeah, yeah; I told her I didn't want to go on a walk to the Shell station, but she got them for me. That was real nice of her.

JORDAN. Did you meet her tonight?

BRANDON. Yes. Yup.

JORDAN. Where'd you meet her?

BRANDON. At the show, actually. She's friends with this guy – I don't know if you know [name redacted].

JORDAN. Oh, yeah, I know him.

BRANDON. Yeah, he's a good friend of ours, so that's how we got the show tonight, and got to meet all these nice people.

JORDAN. Cool.

BRANDON. Including yourself.

JORDAN. Thank you.

JORDAN. Alright: what's your favorite movie?

BRANDON. My favorite movie? Uh, well, it's hard to pick a favorite, but I guess the – if I'm judging favorite by the most times I've seen a movie, it would definitely – it would probably have to be either Goodfellas or Happy Gilmore.

JORDAN. Alright.

BRANDON. I like both of those movies; I think they're both just as much comedies as the other, even though they're different, obviously – like, you know, one's very violent, the other's kind of goofy, but they both have a comedic core to them that I enjoy.

JORDAN. What do you think the comedic core is to Goodfellas?

BRANDON. I think people laugh – laughter is kind of – to me I get a bigger laugh out of things that are tragic. You know, I think there's nothing you can do but laugh at seeing some of those situations that are really horrifying if they were, you know, in real life, but seeing them on the screen is, uh, you know – takes you away from it a little bit, and it becomes funny. I dunno.

JORDAN. Hey, I'm the same way.

BRANDON. Yeah.

JORDAN. If you were stranded on a desert island with one record, what would it be?

BRANDON. It would have to be um, um – is that the one I, did I check that one?

JORDAN. Yeah you did!

BRANDON. (laughs) That's funny I checked that one.

JORDAN. This is assuming you have equipment to listen to it on, by the way.

BRANDON. Oh okay. Alright, that's a good stipulation. And batteries, or is it?

JORDAN. Yeah, yeah. Well, let's assume those things aren't really a problem.

BRANDON. Okay, okay. If those weren't a problem, it would have to be Bob Dylan's bootleg series, live '66.

JORDAN. Why's that?

BRANDON. Well, because it really has everything that I like about music in it. It's a two CD set, one's an acoustic set, and then the other is electric with, like, you know, the band. And it's very poetic, and, you know, the first disc really kind of mellows you out and I fall asleep to it all the time – I used to fall asleep to it for years – and it captured a lot of memories for me, so, you know, that's why you listen to music. It captures memories and it's almost like a timeline for your life. So, you know, I'd probably sit on that island and listen to that record and think of driving, love, sleeping on floors, and hot fudge sundaes.

JORDAN. So, you're in a band.

BRANDON. Yep.

JORDAN. What's your band called?

BRANDON. The River City Rebels.

JORDAN. Do you think that Bob Dylan has influenced your guys' music?

BRANDON. Yes. Tremendously. But it took a while. I mean, obviously, he's kind of a person that you can't really fully enjoy until you've lived a little bit of life and – even though he was really young when he wrote most of that stuff at that time, but I dunno. For me, I didn't really get into him until I was older and – it's almost like your reward for losing a love or having heartache is being able to appreciate music and art even more. I was, you know – you lose love and you gain musical appreciation, so I think that's kind of what happened with Dylan and then obviously that affects the lyrics of the band, and it goes from there I guess.

JORDAN. How long you guys been together?

BRANDON. I've been playing in the band for almost nine years. Coming up on nine years. The singer, Dan, and myself, have been the two constants in the band and we've had a lot of members come and go, but we've always kept it together.

JORDAN. Alright. Moving to something completely different –

BRANDON. And now for something completely different.

JORDAN. Yes, pretty much.

JORDAN. Do you put more trust in science or faith?

BRANDON. Science.

JORDAN. Alright, why's that?

BRANDON. Is it fair to say I put more faith in science?

JORDAN. Let's – which one do you trust more, let's put it that way.

BRANDON. I trust science. I think it's a tougher pill to swallow, but I think you have to look at things, you know – I dunno, for me, that's how I see it. I think there's a lot of – I dunno, faith is kind of, I guess, a bit vague. Because I have faith in things – you know, I have a lot of faith in things without – I guess faith is believing something without absolute truth? I dunno, I guess I really don't – it's vague.

JORDAN. You're right, it's a pretty vague question.

BRANDON. No, no, the question isn't vague, just the word is vague. You know, I think, it's tough – because when you think faith you think God – the question seems like "Are you religious or not?"

JORDAN. Yeah. That's more what I was trying to drive at with the question. I mean, I'm just asking, "Do you consider yourself a religious person, and if so, why?"

BRANDON. Well, I think Eugene O'Neill said, "Once a Catholic, always a Catholic." I don't know, I guess my parents are, or my mom is. Grew up going to church, had first communion and all that stuff. But I never really – it wasn't something I was interested in. I think you just live the best you can and that's what I do. Kind of set your own – you know, people – you know what's right and wrong. I just think people – maybe it's naive but I think people know what's right and what's not right and that's what you do, and that's that.

Papers on which the interview questions are printed begin to fly away with the wind, but Brandon catches them and hands them back to Jordan.

JORDAN. So, I've met a lot of people that consider themselves Catholics even though they really don't profess any of the Catholic beliefs anymore.

BRANDON. Right.

JORDAN. I mean, would you consider yourself in that category, because I've also met a lot of Catholics who don't like Catholicism at all.

BRANDON. Right. Well, I guess I don't know enough about the history of it to really say one way or the other. You know, it's like, a lot of people like to label themselves because it makes it easier to get closer with people, but I don't really label myself as Catholic. But, I dunno.

JORDAN. What do you find most rewarding about your job?

BRANDON. Well ...

JORDAN. What is your job, first, I suppose.

BRANDON. Well, I guess – it's hard to say because jobs are usually connected with salary and pay, you know, paychecks. I've done a lot of odd jobs over the years to help me with the job I want to do which doesn't pay, which is music. I've washed dishes and stuff – I washed dishes for six months in New Hampshire when I was there, because that's where we live now. The most rewarding part is, for me, because I feel like I'm an outsider there, so I can kind of observe people from a distance almost and meet new people, people that I would never meet any other way – because most of the people in the dish room there are just getting out of jail, pretty much, and I have a college degree, so it's fun to meet new people. When you have a task to do with somebody and you're that close, you can't help but get close to them. Just meeting new people that I wouldn't – because I'm pretty introverted and – well, I guess I'm not introverted but I'm – what's the word? a shut-in? I dunno. I don't really like to go out, I just like to just play music by myself. But it kind of forces me to meet new people and that's what I like about it. Meeting people I guess.

JORDAN. Yeah, I'm the same way.

BRANDON. Stories, you know? Stories that people tell you that you can tell people. And you know, that's what it's all about, right?

JORDAN. Have you ever had a really bad boss?

BRANDON. Um – no. No.

JORDAN. Wow.

BRANDON. All my bosses have been cool because of the fact that I don't, and I think they know, that I have all the leverage because these jobs that I get are pretty low on the food chain, it's not like I'm trying to climb a ladder and the boss is trying to get in my way. I don't try to do that, so, I get along great with them.

JORDAN. What do you think about the outcome of the last presidential election?

BRANDON. It's hard to say. Time will tell. I think it's pretty – I wouldn't – I didn't vote, you know. Two years ago, I thought McCain was gonna win, even before he was the Republican presidential nominee. I think I was shocked to see the Democrats have a campaign strategy and stick it out. And also, they got lucky – well, no, I wouldn't call the financial crisis lucky, but they – it played a big role in it because that was their topic from day one and then that happened, and McCain was jumping around and picked a horrible running mate, and I think it's cool. And even – I dunno, I think it's cool. I think it's cool that – I like him.

JORDAN. What did you do election night?

BRANDON. We were actually playing a show – we were on the road and we were playing in Salt Lake City, Utah. And we played a bar, and there was nobody there, and there was a really bad band that played before us, and on the TV in the bar was him giving his speech in Chicago and all, you know. Because we were driving to the show and we were looking for NPR and it seemed like it was almost over before we got to the club; it was over early. You know, first, I think it was Pennsylvania, and then Ohio, it was called, and it was like “Wow.” I couldn't believe it. And it was snowing, too, in Salt Lake City. It was a pretty memorable night, I think. The streets were deserted, it was kind of a bad part of town, and it was a little surreal, I don't know. I felt hopeful for the country, I guess.

JORDAN. I heard Salt Lake City went for Obama – the county.

BRANDON. They did – no, no, no, Utah was ...

JORDAN. Yeah, Utah was red, but ...

BRANDON. Yep.

JORDAN. Salt Like City went for Obama.

BRANDON. Oh okay, did they? Alright.

JORDAN. Which I thought was interesting.

BRANDON. Yeah, yeah, that is kind of interesting. And that was cool too because the money that was generated from the private fundraising and stuff; they had so much money they could go into these red states and throw money in and turn a few of them where the Republicans had to play defense in those states and couldn't work on any blue states, and they put all their chips on Pennsylvania and didn't get it, and that was that. It was pretty cool. I'm excited.

JORDAN. More broadly, what do you think about the United States of America?

BRANDON. Ah!

JORDAN. What do you like most about it, and what do you like the least?

BRANDON. It's hard because I don't have a lot of perspective because this is where I was born and raised. I've been to Canada, but I don't think that really counts.

JORDAN. I mean, you can still have opinions on it.

BRANDON. You can, no, no, no, I know. But just as a disclaimer, you know? But – I think people are really overworked here. I think everybody I know, everybody I love and care for in this world, seems to be at a job that pays horribly, works you – just grinds at you, and it's tough to see. You really – but there is opportunity, you just have to go on your own and you really – as long as you're not worried about your credit, and you can live without being a homeowner and be okay with that, then you're gonna be alright. You know, if you're like – if you're on the bottom, and you're crafty enough, you can get by alright. And, I don't know; I guess it's better than a lot of places in the world to live, but that's no – I mean, I don't take much comfort in that. I think it should be better, but I don't really know how I guess. Mixed feelings about it. I mean, I like it, but a lot of the time I think I'd like to move somewhere else – I can see myself living in another country, later in life. I don't feel any loyalty to it, I guess.

JORDAN. So would you say that the thing you like about it the least, which is the fact that we're so overworked, is connected to the thing that I guess I heard you say that you like about it the best, the fact that we can all sort of come and achieve what we need or want to do with our lives?

BRANDON. Yeah, I mean it really does – it's survival of the fittest, you know. It's like, if you're gonna – you really have to work hard to get out and make your own way of it, and it's not going to be profitable usually, but. You have to – if you're able to – I think communal living is vital. Not just family – family's important – but if you can find people with common goals, and live with them, like I do, and keep cost of living down, and not be caught up in buying a lot of stuff, you're alright. But then all these new things like cell phones, all these things are almost seen as key. Those [garbled], you know? It gets expensive, I don't care what plane you're on – people are paying over fifty, sixty dollars a month for it – that's like a day's work, for most people.

JORDAN. So, do you live on the road, or?

BRANDON. Yeah. Now. Right now, yeah. But my life's set up to go on the road anytime. That's why I get jobs that I can come and go. Yeah.

JORDAN. Um. What do you like about being a man?

BRANDON. (long pause) I don't know. There's a lot of things I don't like about being a man, but ...

JORDAN. Yeah, that's fine.

BRANDON. But you just make your own – do with it what you can.

A tall, blond man walks up to the table.

MAN. Still going?

BRANDON. Yeah. I like this man right here, very much.

Brandon points to Jordan.

(laughter)

MAN. Whenever you're done here, I think we're going back to the house, check on the noodle situation, hang out for a few, come back in a bit.

BRANDON. Alright, cool.

JORDAN. I think we're almost done anyway.

BRANDON. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

MAN. No rush, just whenever you guys are done.

Man leaves.

BRANDON. I like – I dunno.

JORDAN. What don't you like –

BRANDON. I like sex. I like sex with women.

Jordan laughs.

JORDAN. As do I.

BRANDON. I like that. I like the equipment to take care of something like that.

Both laugh.

JORDAN. Alright. If you could change your gender, would you?

BRANDON. No.

JORDAN. No?

BRANDON. Naw. I like – I wouldn't change anything about myself. Gender included.

JORDAN. Okay.

JORDAN. What was the last book you read that really affected you?

BRANDON. Actually, we were – I didn't read it, but it was an audiobook that we got for the road, called The Road. It was Cormac McCarthy, who did No Country For Old Men and The Road, and – whew – it was really well done, I was like, by the end of it I was a little, I was definitely choked up, you know? It was just a really good book.

JORDAN. Why do you think you liked it so much?

BRANDON. Because I guess I can relate to – well, the whole book was kind of like they had this goal, which was to get to the ocean, and they – when you have a goal like that, it keeps you going. That's what life's all about, you set these short-term goals, and don't worry about the long-term goals, and don't worry about the long-term goals, you just keep setting short-term goals. And there's actually a point in the book – and this is about a father and son's journey, it's like a post-apocalyptic where everything's burning and we're already burnt and there's only a few, not very many people left. You know, it's this father and son traveling, and at one point the kid's like, “What are our long-term goals?” and the dad laughs and is like, “Well, where'd you hear that?” and kind of dismissed it. But the reality is, they really didn't have any, it was all just short-term goals: getting food for the day, doing this, and just focusing in on that, and not letting the situation, the general situation of the world, overwhelm you. Just keep plowing at it. And then they got to the ocean – I won't give away the end, but they get there and then the goals run out, and then it's like – the last quarter of the book is this going in circles, kind of downward spirals, and – I don't know. I liked it.

JORDAN. You might get asked this question a lot, but I see you have tattoos on your hands. Would you mind describing them?

BRANDON. Well, “rebels” is on my knuckles – you know, my band, River City Rebels is my band –

Brandon rolls up sleeve to his wrist.

BRANDON. This is an olive branch with the sun – it's kind of poorly done, but this is from actually another book I read called Ishmael that I really liked, and it affected me pretty – you know. But that has to do with religion and faith, too, about how the Bible is not just this mystical, mythical thing, but an actual interpretation of a part of history, and kind of went into it that way and analyzed it, and I've never really thought of it that way before. I don't know, and I have other ones from various – various places in the w– you know, they kind of all like – the last one I actually got was a Paranoid Android cartoon character there, from the Radiohead video. And the kid that did this actually died just recently, and so, I don't know. But it's a good way to remember him, and, I don't know. There's all sorts of stories that go with it.

JORDAN. Did you know him well?

BRANDON. Yeah! We knew him well, we knew him for a couple years, he was a fan of the band, when we moved to Seattle he was there, and – yeah, he kind of got into drugs and all that kind of stuff and it was kind of sad but that's how it goes. But at least – that's the thing about art. You know, you want to leave your mark in this world, somehow, in some way, and that's what he did, and that's what I try to do with playing music. And I hope I've left my mark with you.

JORDAN. Absolutely!

BRANDON. Period.

JORDAN. I think that's a good place to end the interview. Thank you very much!

BRANDON. That's a cool project ...

Brian Yoder

Brian Yoder (16 November 2008) (click here to listen)



It's night and it's cold out. Three of us are on the porch, around a table -- wrapped up in layers of cloth and leather, shared clothing, smoking cigarettes one after another. On the table are empty cans of Busch, an overflowing ashtray, and around our legs occasionally huddle unsociable cats (come to enjoy our warmth). Brian has just gotten off the phone after a long conversation and sits down to begin the interview.

JORDAN MCLAUGHLIN (Interviewer). Hi; what's your name?

BRIAN YODER (Interviewee). Brian Yoder.

JORDAN. And how old are you?

BRIAN. I'm twenty-four.

JORDAN. And where are you from?

BRIAN. I'm from Sarasota.

JORDAN. Ok, cool. Um, Brian – if you had one million dollars, what would you do with the money and why?

BRIAN. First and foremost, I would take all of my friends out for dinner at the most expensive restaurant I could find, and we'd all get completely wasted, and I'd call a cab for everyone. And then I would buy seven slip 'n slides, and I would put them all together, and we would find a way to get going faster than our legs would carry us and slide across it. And after that, I'd buy a bunch of recording equipment and start recording my friends and making ...

OBSERVER 1. You're out of money, man.

BRIAN. ... making albums for them. No, I'm good. Slip and slides are really cheap.

OBSERVER 1. Yeah, but you have a lot of friends.

(laughter)

JORDAN. Alright. If there was a way for you to no longer require sleep, would you give it up?

BRIAN. As tempting as the offer is, no. I feel like dreams offer you a perspective on your psyche that you would not get anywhere else in the world, like no matter how introspective you attempt to be, no matter what kind of drugs you take, nothing can substitute what the subconscious mind pulls out in dreams and the kind of effort and introspection it takes to make any kind of sense of them.

JORDAN. But, don't you think you'd have like a lot more free time to get the things done that you want to get done?

BRIAN. Yeah but I don't – I don't know if the things you want to get done are necessarily the most important things. I don't know that. They could be, but I don't know that. And the more you learn about yourself, the more the things you want to get done change.

JORDAN. Mhm. (clears throat). Tell me about the last time you fell in love.

BRIAN. Um. It was kind of ridiculous, because it was one of those situations that, uh, – that you don't think is ever possible or real. The kind of things that you'd laugh at movies for. Like literally the moment I saw this person, I felt something in my gut that I couldn't get rid of, and the more I got to know her the more it was just solidified that that feeling was justified in every way. And after a week we were living together and three years later, things started to fall apart. But, um, but it was the best three years of my life, hands down.

JORDAN. What was the best time you ever had with her? (car alarm goes off)

BRIAN. When I gave her her birthday present the first year we met, something she'd wished she'd had since she was five years old – a kiddie pool full of pudding. Took eighteen gallons of milk. I don't remember how many packets of Jell-O pudding. But we had strawberry, chocolate, and vanilla, and we put cardboard dividers in the kiddie pool, and then pulled them out, so that we had a thirty-three point three three repeating ratio of flavors.

(laughter)

JORDAN. Okay. What made it fall apart?

BRIAN. (pauses) Um, me. Basically an existential crisis I didn't know how to deal with. It didn't really actually have anything to do with her – she was just kind of an innocent bystander. And I became an addict.

JORDAN. What happened while you were an addict?

BRIAN. Lots of really really bad things.

JORDAN. What was one of them?

BRIAN. Credit card debt.

JORDAN. (laughs) Alright. I would imagine that would happen.

JORDAN. Do you really hate anybody?

BRIAN. No. I wish that I could. I honest to God wish that I were capable of that. But I feel like the way I was built as a human being, the way I am, the way I was born – no matter how much I've tried, no matter how many experiences have told me I should feel otherwise, I always can understand why someone in whatever situation they're in, in any given situation, are acting the way that they are, and generally know that in the same situation I would – I would probably act the same way or do the same thing, or something at least similar.

JORDAN. Yeah. Alright, what about the last time you were betrayed?

BRIAN. The last – the only – seriously, the only time I can think of any time near to now that I've been betrayed it was honestly just by myself convincing myself that someone was a better person than they were when I probably knew otherwise the whole time and just wished for the best. And so it's a matter of, really, me betraying my own better judgment. And while I still dislike this person very much, I know that it's my fault that I have to dislike them, because otherwise I never would have gotten to know them enough to be in that position.

JORDAN. But do you still have hard feelings for this person – I mean, do you still communicate?

BRIAN. I still communicate on the level that they're capable of communicating on, but – hard feelings? Maybe.

JORDAN. Well, how do you know them? How do you know this person?

BRIAN. Almost completely randomly. Met them through a friend who randomly met them. Him, and another friend of ours who – um – is a completely different story but – basically it's a simultaneous feeling of feeling bad for him because he's so materialistic and so insecure, and at the same time hating him because I believe that he actually is more and could be more if he chose to be and refuses to. But at the same time, wrestling with feelings of guilt because I shouldn't feel that way towards this person because if they knew better and could choose otherwise they probably would, even if it's harder, they just don't know better, and so I feel guilty if I hate them .Which comes back to your other question.

JORDAN. Right. Okay, we can move on. Uh...

BRIAN. That's good.

JORDAN. Have you ever had a really bad boss?

BRIAN. I have one right now.

JORDAN. Alright, what's she like?

BRIAN. Anorexic. Actually, bulimic. She weighs about ninety pounds. She claims to be OCD, but in fact she's not, she doesn't notice a lot of things. It depends what mood she's in as to whether or not she'll notice something out of place. Which means she's basically just got control issues and she takes them out on everyone else. She'll praise you if she's in a good mood. She'll find something to hate you for if she's not. And she really does nothing constructive at all for anyone that I've noticed. And I pay close attention because I've tried desperately to find some good in this person, and as far as I can tell they've given up on life completely except for their job, which is managing a store, a franchise, at that, that they feel is like is the only – it's basically equivalent to a mother having a child, except that it has no life of its own, the only life that it has is the life she allows it to have, because a child would be something she couldn't control, and she'd probably kill it.

JORDAN. But do you think that – I mean, if you're using the parent example, I mean, do you think that she does a good job of keeping the store afloat? I mean, does she, is she, strictly in the boss role, strictly in the role that she has to play to keep her employees working and efficient, do you think she does a good job that way?

BRIAN. I've only been there two months now, but I will say that the week she was away, at a conference, our sales were time and a half any other record for our store. When one of our other managers, who rules out of love rather than fear – love and empathy, rather than fear – was in charge, our sales were time and a half the record for the store in its history. I'll say that.

JORDAN. So, if you had a choice between the people in your store to be your boss, you probably wouldn't pick this woman?

BRIAN. I would pick this woman to be in psychiatric care and rehabilitation for an eating disorder.

JORDAN. Okay.

BRIAN. Because her life is actually in danger.

JORDAN. Alright. So, tell me what your parents were like. Your dad and your mom.

BRIAN. (exhales) My father had four sisters and six brothers and they were Amish until my father was ten years old, practicing Amish, and then they converted to Christianity. My father didn't get a hug from his father until he was forty years old. He's not the best at displaying emotions. Never was when I was growing up. But he also worked fourteen hours a day so that my mother and I could eat, and my mother took care of me, and we were always very close. We reacted to one another – we communicated through yelling because that's how she communicated to her parents. My father is almost the exact opposite, but he was never around. I was always kind of starved for that attention.

BRIAN. As the years progressed – they got divorced, probably twelve years ago, and they've both been increasingly happier and happier ever since, and as have I. So like I honestly see through that experience that sometimes two people just should not be together. I mean, I'm glad I'm alive, I'm glad they had sex and, you know, spat me out of their womb – but at the same time it's interesting to see that the typical family idea can go completely awry and have everything work out better than it originally did. I'm closer to both of them than I've ever been before. Both of them have grown more as human beings than anyone else I've ever known in my life since they got divorced, since I've been old enough to gauge that kind of thing and understand it. My father remarried almost two years ago and he's incredibly happy, they're perfect for one another. My mother is still alone and she needs to be because basically because she understands what she wants and she hasn't found that yet. They're both basically doing the best things for them and they're both trying to do the best things for me, and they're very supportive, they're very loving. They don't talk much but they're very peaceable and they're very cooperative when it comes to me.

JORDAN. So, when did you move out?

OBSERVER 1. She was satisfied that one night I spent with her.

BRIAN. I'd say eighteen. It was when I got a car, I had my license when I was seventeen, I got a car when I was eighteen. I moved up to Tallahassee, I moved in with a friend in a bedroom. I lived in a bedroom with my friend, until – that's when I met, the last time I fell in love, and after a week of knowing her I lived with her.

JORDAN. Would you like to respond to OBSERVER 1's comment that the last night, she had a really good time?

BRIAN. I would like to say that I feel it's kind of disrespectful, because this is obviously a project you're working on. However, I did flick my cigarette at him and tried to hit him in the eye out of my peripheral vision. I missed. However, my mom is pretty and I've been used to my friends making jokes about having gratuitous sex with her for years.

JORDAN. Okay. Good, good.

BRIAN. So I'm not really phased, but I feel like that the flaming cigarette butt – I feel like we're okay now.

OBSERVER 1. That's because you don't know it's true. (garbled)

JORDAN. Okay. Given the choice of any job in the world you think you could do, what would you choose?

BRIAN. Oh, Christ. Can I pick five?

JORDAN. You can pick as many as you want.

BRIAN. I'd like to be essentially a talent scout slash music producer. I know when I see someone who's got like not only the drive but the belief in themselves and the will to succeed and the disregard for criticism, like that they don't – you know, like being open to criticism but still being like a brick wall against that that's not constructive, or against that of their original vision. I feel I can recognize that and I'd really like to be able to go out and do something for those people, because I feel like they get ignored in spite of people who present themselves as if they have all those characteristics right off the bat, which is a lot of times not true, I feel. I'd also, like if I can pick anything, I'd probably like unlimited budget kind of thing. I'd like to make movies. I'd like to make movies because I love them so much and I have a lot of ideas that I'd like to see, not even for anyone else, but like that I would like to make happen so that I could watch them.

JORDAN. Do you do music or film?

BRIAN. I do music. And I do film in my head.

OBSERVER 2. Can I ask a question?

JORDAN. Sure.

OBSERVER 2. I'd like to ask if you would consider, if you were to become a successful filmmaker, would you consider making a movie based off a video game that was true to the original intent of the video game?

JORDAN. The question is, “Would, if Brian were a filmmaker, would he consider making an adaptation of a video game that were true to the original spirit of the video game?”

BRIAN. Absolutely. However, it would probably hands-down have to be Metroid.

JORDAN. Why Metroid?

BRIAN. To have the woman go through the whole process of being bio-genetically altered, to be fitted to a suit of armor that she will never be able to take off, that's grafted to her skin, and knowing that she is the only hope for her race, and for life on the planet.

OBSERVER 2. Would you want her name be Samus?

BRIAN. Her name is Samus. You cannot argue or dispute that in any way whatsoever. But, to have the emotional trauma involved. Like, that's why I was always into video games as a child – it's because I would imagine in my head. It was kind of like, for me, what other kids read books for or watch movies for. I played video games and I would imagine what the character was going through emotionally and on an internal level and I would identify with them. But it was all mostly based on my own imagination. Which is why, actually, video game adaptations would be kind of a dream come true.

JORDAN. So, what's your favorite video game?

BRIAN. Jesus Christ.

JORDAN. You can list two or three if you want.

BRIAN. Any given Metroid, obviously. Any given Mario-in-the-title video game that isn't some bullshit like tennis or Dr. Mario – Dr. Mario is great, don't get me wrong – but like Mario Brothers, Mario World, Mario 64, Mario Sunshine, Mario Galaxy, any of those. I feel like – I feel like even though I wasn't as close to this video game, I do understand why Doom should be in there. And it's not just to please OBSERVER 2 who's sitting right here, but it should definitely be in there. And then – okay, probably no one's ever heard of it, it was for Sega Genesis and Sega Genesis only – Subterranea, just because it was more fun to play than any game I've ever played, and more difficult.

JORDAN. Okay. What do you think the meaning is that those games have for you? Let's just go with the last one.

BRIAN. Subterranea?

JORDAN. Yeah.

BRIAN. That one, it was so ridiculously hard I've never gotten past level six to this day and I still own the game. And I still play it. Well, actually, a friend of mine has it now and I don't know where he is because he moved away. But up until a year ago, I played it adamantly. And it was so difficult and it was very unique. Gravity was a factor, but so was space and direction and fuel, and you were in a little spaceship, and there was a lot of strategy involved, but at the same time, every time you got to the next level, you felt like there was absolutely no possible way you could beat it. Like it was absolutely, they specifically designed it to make you go completely insane. And if you figured it out, you had this boost of belief in yourself to tackle to the next level that was unprecedented, because it was so difficult. But there was a way to beat it.

BRIAN. I'm sorry, I have to interject and add to the last question, every Zelda game ever made, as well.

JORDAN. Alright, alright.

OBSERVER 1. What do you think it says about your character that you say that you still own the game even though a friend has it who's moved away and you don't know where this friend is?

BRIAN. Because he's a good enough friend that I trust him to return the game.

OBSERVER 1. Do you think it's still in his possession?

BRIAN. Yes.

JORDAN. Okay.

OBSERVER 1. Noble.

JORDAN. Have you ever had to quit something you really cared about?

BRIAN. Other than heroin?

JORDAN. No, that counts.

BRIAN. Okay.

JORDAN. I mean, did you care about that, or was that just sort of an addiction?
BRIAN. Well, I did, but well, I mean – whether or not it's a matter of chemicals in your brain, you still care about it. You still really care. Yeah. The only more difficult thing I've ever had to do was lose the last time I fell in love person. And that was the result of the other, so they're intertwined, but those are the two most difficult things.

JORDAN. Alright. Um ...

BRIAN. I would say smoking, but I'm smoking right now.

(laughter)

JORDAN. When was the last time you did something that you think was wrong?

BRIAN. See, therein lies a problem. I feel like I've probably done enough hallucinogens that morality is something that's only relevant if I really care about someone, and in that case it's only subscribing to their morals ...

JORDAN. Okay. Let's just say it's something that you, personally, think is wrong.

BRIAN. Hm.

JORDAN. From your subjective standpoint. And we're talking about something you did anyway, so.

BRIAN. I drank all of my room mate's beer the other day and instead of buying him the same kind of beer, I bought an eighteen-pack of Busch because it was ten dollars.

OBSERVER 1. You also drank the vast majority of it.

BRIAN. I only drank five. And there's still plenty left right now.

OBSERVER 1. There's four left. There was eighteen in the pack.

BRIAN. This is my seventh. We're not going to argue this on the interview.

OBSERVER 1. Actually, it's your eighth, because there was six gone when he got here.

BRIAN. Okay.

JORDAN. Why did you do it?

BRIAN. (laughs)

JORDAN. Why did you do it?

BRIAN. Because I was talking to the last person I ever fell in love with tonight.

OBSERVER 1. And that made it okay to steal from someone else ...

BRIAN. You know, how do you manage to tie all these questions together so unintentionally?

JORDAN. (laughs) Well, who says it's unintentional?

Observer 3 exits house.

OBSERVER 3. May I move this?

JORDAN. Alright. We're conducting an interview.

JORDAN. Have you ever been badly wounded or sick?

BRIAN. Hm. Oh!

JORDAN. Alright, what happened?

BRIAN. I smoked a lot of cigarettes in the winter, and I got bronchitis, and I could barely get to the bathroom without stopping halfway to breathe, to gasp for air.

BRIAN. And the other time, I was driving my car home – totally sober, mind you – in Ohio, in twenty degrees and it was raining, and I hit a patch of ice and I was only going forty miles an hour and I slid in between a telephone pole and the railing to a bridge, and hit a sycamore tree. And the seatbelt broke my collar bone and I sprained my ankle, fractured my ankle. The seatbelt and airbag saved my life, but I definitely couldn't work or move for a month and a half.

JORDAN. How'd you get through it?

BRIAN. Um. Vicodin.

JORDAN. (laughs) That would be a good way.

OBSERVER 1. Did you develop an addiction to that?

BRIAN. No. No, it wasn't strong enough, I didn't care. It just made the pain go away; it was basically like taking really strong Ibuprofen.

JORDAN. Aside from anatomy, do you think men and women are essentially different?

BRIAN. Absolutely.

JORDAN. How?

BRIAN. Vaginas and penises and boobs.

JORDAN. Well, no, aside from anatomy.

BRIAN. Vaginas and – oh! Well – there can be men and women that are very much more similar to the opposite sex than you would expect, like – there can be men and women that are exactly, should be men or women, not in the sense of wanting to be the other but in the sense of their method of thinking, their way of going about their thought processes and value systems. But I think that as a species – and mind you, if you post this anywhere and people at New College listen to it, I hope no one will come to my door with stakes and burning things.

JORDAN. I doubt anybody's going to listen to this.

BRIAN. Okay, good.

OBSERVER 1. (garbled)

BRIAN. But – the evolution of the human race has brought us to a point where women are more domestic and men are naturally more aggressive, and thus more apt to be hunters. And like, as animals that's what we are. I feel like we're approaching a place in our evolution where that can be overlooked and that can be ascended, and I think that's a beautiful thing – that we're to the point where now we can choose what we want to be, regardless of our genetic predisposition. And I think that's amazing. I think that we're an incredible species and the fact that we know enough that we're able to rise above that, and no matter what has to happen for that to happen, even if it's turbulent, even if it's ugly right now, even if there's identity crisises associated with that – um, crisises? Crises. – associated with that, like, it's okay because it's for the greater good of us evolving as a species and socially.

JORDAN. So you'd say there's something – there's a difference between natural and what's good?

BRIAN. I believe what's good is what's natural. I believe what's natural is trying to catch up with what's good. What's good determines what's natural because whatever's natural will eventually succumb to what's good. And by good I mean in the best interest of the species and of the planet and of everything else that's alive.

JORDAN. Speaking of identity crises, what do you like about being a man?

BRIAN. Not having to menstruate. For sure.

JORDAN. If you could change your gender, would you?

BRIAN. I've thought about that a lot, actually. There are times when I think yes. I'd like to feel sexy sometimes; I don't. I feel very utilitarian most of the time. I don't feel like a man can be sexy, but I feel like that's probably because I'm a man. If I were a woman, I might feel the exact same way; I don't know.

JORDAN. Alright. So if you feel that a man can't be sexy, what do you feel about homosexuality, personally or in general?

BRIAN. In general, I feel like “Fine.” I feel like that there are many different cases and many different reasons that homosexuality occurs, and I do not claim to know any of them, and I do not claim to be an authority on the subject. But I feel like no matter what, you should respect your fellow man and their decisions. If you see a reason otherwise, then fine, but it should not be because of the homosexuality, or their political views, or their religious views, or – you know, it should be because of a personal instance that lets you know that you should not respect that person and what it is that they're doing or believe. It should have nothing to do with the belief itself, but the reason thereof, or therein.

JORDAN. Would you consider yourself on the left or the right, politically?

BRIAN. I consider myself dead center, or like six miles underground. I feel like politically, this word that carries a connotation that I'm not prepared to deal with, because I feel like, in my cynical view, when it comes down to it money controls everything. Above money comes power. Power, obviously, does control money. If the Federal Reserve is not an institution of the United States, then, and is above the law, then there's something greater than country that is controlling money. Money obviously controls politics, controls who is placed in power. And I don't feel like I have enough information; I don't feel like the media or the people that are trying to become our leaders ever will – will ever – give enough information for me for me to feel comfortable saying one way or the other, ever, in any instance.

JORDAN. So would you say that, if you don't consider yourself on the left or the right, politically you care about the issue of money affecting elections? I mean, you don't – do you think that it's a good or a bad thing that money controls elections, or?

BRIAN. I think it's a natural process of us as a species, as the human race, that we're constantly trying to exceed our limitations and constantly trying to succeed, and finding out that money controls everything – like, realizing this, realizing you can control people, through belief, through money, through religion (those beliefs, those are really the main two things). And if it came down to it, which it hasn't yet but it might eventually: food and water, like; capitalism is kind of the nature of nature. To be the biggest, to the best, to be the most powerful, is kind of what all of nature tries to do to succeed and that's kind of how it perpetuates itself. And I feel like this is a natural process; I just feel like there's some moral part of me that might be completely unnatural that disagrees with it, and doesn't like it, and feels like there is some other alternative that we just haven't figured out how to make practical yet. And that could be a completely ridiculous, idealistic point of view that can never take fruition, but it's how I feel naturally, and I can't deny that. I can't explain it as being rational or real or hopeful for such. It's just that's how I feel on the inside and that's my gooey, marshmallowy center.

JORDAN. OBSERVER 2?

OBSERVER 2. Will you agree with the Wu Tang Clan when they proclaim, “Cash rules everything around me?”

JORDAN. Okay, OBSERVER 2 asks, “Will Brian agree with the Wu Tang Clan that “cash controls everything around me?”

OBSERVER 2. Rules. Rules.

JORDAN. “Rules everything around me.” Sorry.

BRIAN. Um, I would say not. In a very literal sense, right now when he said that, I'm looking around me. I see a bunch of plants here on my porch, and I know that if it stops raining they will die, or if I stop watering them. But I know that cash doesn't control the rain.

OBSERVER 1. Are you sure? (laughs)

BRIAN. I'm pretty sure. I'm pretty sure. I'm not positive, but I'm pretty sure that cash doesn't control the rain yet. A lot of things, sure. And not even necessarily cash because of the willingness of people to subscribe to ideas.

JORDAN. Alright! That concludes my interview with Brian Yoder. Thank you, Brian.

BRIAN. Yep. No problem.